"If we reflect on it at all, we think that good parents teach children to do what’s safest and best for them, even if it upsets them temporarily."
I WISH this was common sense still! It feels like there are so many experts giving contradictory advice that many parents have turned to "child knows best" parenting.
I believe in the value of moderation. There is a time in a place for requiring a child to meet the standard a parent might have for them regarding the consumption of various foods. It’s OK to bargain with kids on a limited basis. But not to the point of harsh punishment in exchange for their obstinance I feel that the adage of “earning the right to be heard” still holds merit. The best way to teach is through your actions ahead of through your words. Practice what you preach. If my eating habits include a healthy diet and moderation of eating things that are not as good for me as an adult then my offspring will be more likely to do the same. There will still be confrontations, but I still just trust the basic sense of reasonableness and fairness that we are all born with.
I’m a picky eater, but only for health reasons. Certain foods cause immediate diarrhea…not pleasant or welcome. There are so many foods that contain dairy! Ugh! Spinach and other greens in that category are also a problem. I’ve always enjoyed cooking, baking, and eating…until this past year. It’s very challenging!
Without having read the book, based on what you shared, the author seems to be operating from a presumption of neurotypicalness. Yes, parents are "wiser" than young children about things like the benefits of a well-balanced diet. But wisdom has nothing to do with whether a child has an aversion to certain tastes or textures. As a parent of neurodivergent kids with some of these aversions, some of this "new" pickiness in our culture may be a shift in parenting that doesn't expect kids to mask those aversions for the sake of propriety or a parent's ease. And I consider that a good thing.
My favorite book about child nutrition is Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter, a registered dietician. She advocates a clear division of responsibility between parents and children: parents provide the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is in charge of whether and how much they eat.
Satter discourages making a completely separate meal for the child--that puts the child in charge of the "what"--but she does advocate having a variety of food options on the table, including easy things the child will like. And by contrast, the "eat three bites or you don't get dessert" bargaining is a parent encroaching on the child's "whether" and "how much".
It made a lot of sense to us. We didn't follow it perfectly, but I will say that every mealtime battle or dysfunction we got into came from not respecting that basic boundary.
@MaryAnn McKibben Dana, that’s really interesting. I like that model a lot. Virginia Sole-Smith talks about placing bowls of food on the table, and then the kids can pick what they want, and also no need food comes out of the fridge, so the parent can also sit down and eat, and doesn’t become a short-order cook.
Very interesting- added book to queue, my five year old used to be open to all foods, then he started pre-k at the elementary school and now he’s one of the “picky” ones.
Thanks Mary. I think the insight about the systemic challenges of poverty to food selection and overall health is critical here.
Roy, right? Lots to consider there.
"If we reflect on it at all, we think that good parents teach children to do what’s safest and best for them, even if it upsets them temporarily."
I WISH this was common sense still! It feels like there are so many experts giving contradictory advice that many parents have turned to "child knows best" parenting.
I believe in the value of moderation. There is a time in a place for requiring a child to meet the standard a parent might have for them regarding the consumption of various foods. It’s OK to bargain with kids on a limited basis. But not to the point of harsh punishment in exchange for their obstinance I feel that the adage of “earning the right to be heard” still holds merit. The best way to teach is through your actions ahead of through your words. Practice what you preach. If my eating habits include a healthy diet and moderation of eating things that are not as good for me as an adult then my offspring will be more likely to do the same. There will still be confrontations, but I still just trust the basic sense of reasonableness and fairness that we are all born with.
I’m a picky eater, but only for health reasons. Certain foods cause immediate diarrhea…not pleasant or welcome. There are so many foods that contain dairy! Ugh! Spinach and other greens in that category are also a problem. I’ve always enjoyed cooking, baking, and eating…until this past year. It’s very challenging!
Joanne, that does sound challenging!
Without having read the book, based on what you shared, the author seems to be operating from a presumption of neurotypicalness. Yes, parents are "wiser" than young children about things like the benefits of a well-balanced diet. But wisdom has nothing to do with whether a child has an aversion to certain tastes or textures. As a parent of neurodivergent kids with some of these aversions, some of this "new" pickiness in our culture may be a shift in parenting that doesn't expect kids to mask those aversions for the sake of propriety or a parent's ease. And I consider that a good thing.
My favorite book about child nutrition is Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter, a registered dietician. She advocates a clear division of responsibility between parents and children: parents provide the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is in charge of whether and how much they eat.
Satter discourages making a completely separate meal for the child--that puts the child in charge of the "what"--but she does advocate having a variety of food options on the table, including easy things the child will like. And by contrast, the "eat three bites or you don't get dessert" bargaining is a parent encroaching on the child's "whether" and "how much".
It made a lot of sense to us. We didn't follow it perfectly, but I will say that every mealtime battle or dysfunction we got into came from not respecting that basic boundary.
@MaryAnn McKibben Dana, that’s really interesting. I like that model a lot. Virginia Sole-Smith talks about placing bowls of food on the table, and then the kids can pick what they want, and also no need food comes out of the fridge, so the parent can also sit down and eat, and doesn’t become a short-order cook.
Very interesting- added book to queue, my five year old used to be open to all foods, then he started pre-k at the elementary school and now he’s one of the “picky” ones.
Thanks for this, Mary!
Kaylen, that’s so interesting. Do you think his tastes evolved? Or is pickiness contagious?
The later! I think he wanted to be accepted by his 5 year old peers.