Got a Big But?
Things I Hope Not to Say
Do you ever remember anything once someone uses the word “but”?
I never do. I’m waiting so anxiously for the hard part. A feeling of anticipatory panic steals any good from whatever came first in that "feedback sandwich."
Skillful listeners can tell it’s coming from the slight pause. Or maybe the tiny grimace on the speaker’s face.
“You’re doing a great job with the project…” “I’m really happy in our relationship…” “Your work has really energized us…”
BUT. The word “but” is coming.
As a mental practice, I’ve been working on not saying “but.” We can all hold two ideas together at one time. Two – or more – things can be true. The world isn’t as simple as we want it to be.
In her compelling book High Conflict, Amanda Ripley says that one feature of intractable conflict is demonizing the other side. Ordinary disagreements become high conflict when we see the other person as some alien being. The ex-partner, the political rival, the office grump become something bigger in our minds than they are. We need the word “and” to see people in their complexity.
A dear friend is watching her child’s marriage fall apart because of some bad behavior by the child’s spouse, as evidenced by the presence of police officers. “I try not to demonize anyone,” both she and her husband said recently, thinking out loud. I don’t think I would be that kind if someone were coming for my kid. I admire their ability to hold their hurt next to their kindness.
“And” sounds awkward sometimes. I can’t tell if “but” would actually be better, or my ear is tuned to listen for the “but.” Still, I’m pressing on to see what happens.
We’ve all, collectively, dropped a lot of words that are hurtful, culturally insensitive and limiting. The state legislator who recently called a pilot “a stewardess” notwithstanding. I cringe when a well-meaning waiter says, “Hi, guys” to a mixed group of people. “Hi, ladies” doesn’t feel much better. “Young lady” is as cringe-worthy as “ma’am.”
While we’re at it, let’s banish “pivot,” “lame,” “dive in” and “it is what it is.”
What words are you skipping these days?
The word I, too, cringed for that word coming out of my mother’s mouth. How is it that I didn’t measure up today? A very difficult word to rid yourself of. My admiration of the attempt. I, too, am trying to examine my speech to not make others feel less than they deserve to be. Thank you for the nudge and encouragement to continue to do so!
A little humor. In the middle of a sermon, our soft spoken kind pastor paused to make a point saying, “this is a but and it is a really big but”. Couple hundred burst into laughter and he did as well”.